Mama and Baba, sitting in a tree
by April Ballad
Summary: Greece and Turkey fight for custody over Cyprus. It's gonna be one hell of a battle. Turkey x Greece fluff


Note: Whoa, I thought my Hetalia phase was over, then this pair snuck into my mind. This fic is written completely in dialogue form. If it helps, the only characters who speak are Greece, Turkey, England and Cyprus (plus two lines from America and France).

Disclaimer: Hetalia is © Hidekaz Himaruya. I don't own the series or the characters.

* * *

**Mama and Baba, sitting in a tree...**

_After the fall of the Ottoman Empire, a new child nation is found on the island of Cyprus. For a few centuries, tensions are high between her Mediterranean neighbors over who owns her. Britain takes Cyprus into his house in order to avoid war. He has promised to give her back to her proper boss once Turkey and Greece, the two main contenders, settle their differences and come to a compromise._

_Today, the two Mediterranean nations are at England's house in one last attempt at making a deal._

* * *

**/Turkey and Greece, sitting in England's den/**

And that's my final offer, take it or leave it, Turk.

Screw that! How come I only get weekends? I have just as much right to her as you do!

In case you haven't noticed, Cyprus is 77% Greek! That means I should get her 77% of the time!

Like hell. She's still Turk, through and through.

Well good luck telling that to the court, cause that's where I'm taking this.

Oh, I get it. You westerners and your biased court system. Just cause yer the woman in this relationship-

Woman? ... Relationship?

What's the matter, sweetheart? After all, yer the one grabbing your ankles for me.

I do not-! How dare you-! It's cause you molested me! Perverted old man!

I'd hardly call it molestation when yer throwing yourself at me in gratitude. (1)

Oh great, great, here we go again. You help me one time-one time-and all of a sudden, I'm indebted to you for life. Let's just forget the 400 years of servitude and abuse that you-

I put a roof over your ungrateful head!

You sank my economy, treated me like garbage, and destroyed my mother's glorious history.

Not my problem you didn't inherit her good traits. Hell, I wish you'd inherited more from her, then maybe ya woulda gotten some boob and made those 400 years a little more bearable.

I can't believe you even-no, you're just trying to distract me because you know you stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting Cyprus in a proper, international court. And that's where we're going.

Fine! Be a bitch. Cyprus was mine when you were still too busy eating your own boogers and peein' on the rug. And she's gonna stay that way. I'm not gonna let you take her away the same way ya stole everything else.

Hey! I helped those nations restore their self-determination and get away from a creeper like you. (2)

Ya might as well have kicked in the pillars holding my house up!

Not a bad idea, I'll store it away for future reference.

And as if that wasn't enough, you come storming into my house and writing your stupid name all over my face with a sharpie. (3)

I was taking what was mine!

Okay, so I guess my right ear is yours now.

The Entente promised it to me. It was mine.

Ya know, I think I see a pattern here, Greece. Yer always kicking me when I'm down. You know why? Cause you know yer too much of a fucking weakling to take me on when I'm not already pushing daisies. (4)

That's it, old man! You think you're so tough, but guess what? You aren't the Ottoman Empire anymore. I could beat you into the ground.

I'm shakin' in my boots. Why doncha cmere and get some, ya punk? That is, if you don't fall asleep on your way over here.

You better hope I do, cause that's the only way you're going to be able to defend yourself.

That has to be the lamest comeback I've ever heard, and I've heard /America/ try to be witty.

Arghh!

Oi! Please refrain from killing yourselves in my house. It's a pain trying to get blood out of an expensive rug.

Sorry England. Is there a less expensive rug I can ruin while I'm seizing Turkey's vital regions?

You mean while I'm seizing your vital regions! And screw your ugly rug England, this is more important.

Also please refrain from crude language and inappropriate innuendoes-

Psh.

I heard that! Who said that? Are you two trying to imply something about me?

It was Turkey.

Shuddup, punk.

Anyway. Like I was saying. Please refrain from crude language, as we are in the presence of a child.

Cyprus! You were hiding behind England all this time! I don't blame you, Turkey's scary.

Ey!

Come here and give big brother Greece a hug!

Don't listen to 'im, baby, come to big brother Turkey. I've got sweets fer ya!

Is that how you lure children to your house? Pervert. And don't talk to my sister.

She ain't yours, she's mine.

No, she was my mother's long before you were even born! She's been part of Greece since 300 BC. You didn't come into the picture until the 1500s. (5)

Blahblahblah. Are ya done borin' us to death yet? I don't give a flip bout ancient history, I won 'er fair and square 400 years ago. And besides, she's geographically closer to me.

Geography doesn't mean a thing! The heart knows no distance!

Wow Greece, that was gay even for you. Whatcha gonna do next? Burst into song?

You're a terrible role model for young children!

Maybe yer right. That must be why you turned out so retarded. Still better me than you though.

Ahem! If you two are quite finished bickering-

You're crude, you have no sense of empathy for others, and you constantly stink of alcohol and sex. I guess that emblem on your flag really means nothing to you, huh? (6)

How dare you! You just crossed a line, brat!

Really? I should do that again then.

Fuck you!

Turkey! That is not appropriate language in front of a child. And same goes for you, Greece. You two need to stop-

You're a fucking hypocrite, Greece! Running around, bangin' anything with a pulse. Whatever happened to saving yourself for marriage?

That-that only applies to women.

My point.

How dare you call me a woman?

How dare you call me out for being a homophobe when you're such a fucking sexist.

Both of you! I mean it, you're scaring Cyprus-

Oh, so you wanna play it that way, do you Turkey? Fine! Politicize the debate. I doubt you could hold your own in a battle of wits, considering your brain's been liquefied by booze.

I can't believe you're criticizing my wit when your best comeback is about falling asleep.

Forget battle of wits, I'll beat you up right now!

Bring it, punk!

Stop! Greece! Put that down right now, that is a very expensive vase imported-AH!

Haha missed!

Turkey! That was a gift from my queen-UGH!

Careful, old man. You might inflame your arthritis.

Careful, punk. Ya might trip and kill your last brain cell.

ENOUGH! Turkey! Greece! You bloody wankers, get out of my fucking house! You're both a pair of motherfucking sons of bitches and you will stop making a fucking ridicule of me and my fucking country!

...

...

Waahhh~!

England! You made my sister cry!

No, he made my sister cry.

I said get out!

* * *

**/Big brother Turkey and big brother Greece, sitting on the sidewalk/**

So now what?

Why are you askin' me, brat? Yer the one that got us thrown out in the first place.

Damn you! I hate this about you, you always try to blame your faults on other people.

Oh yeah? Name once.

When I was a kid and got the flu cause you kept overtaxing me, you told me it was my fault for being weak.

You were weak.

Well then you should've made me stronger! Not make me worse.

...Why're you drudgin' this shit up now?

You asked. God.

...

...

So now wha?

Why are you asking me, old man? I thought it was my fault we got kicked out.

Well ya did throw the first vase.

I hate you.

Agh. See? This is whacha always do. Whenever things don't go your way, you just shut everything out and ignore 'em. Yer still such a spoiled brat.

...

...

God, Turkey. We sound like an old couple.

Agreed.

...

So. Wanna have a bout of angry sex before givin' this problem 'nother shot?

Is that what you think about all the time? Perverted geezer.

Hey, yer the one topping the charts for promiscuity.

Hm. So does this bout of angry sex include me topping anything else?

Sure, you can hump the couch while we're doin' it.

You've got to make this offer a little more tempting.

Yer Greek. Ya can't say no to sex.

...

And besides, I know you like taking it greek. (7) Isn't that a national pastime or somethin'?

Is that a sad excuse for a pick-up line or do you Turks just suck at conversation in general?

Look, hurry up and make up your mind. Or else the angry'll wear off and it'll just end up being a bout of extremely awkward sex.

Fine, fine. Not in front of England's window though. Let's go find a dark alleyway somewhere.

Hmm. Kinky. Glad ya haven't changed.

400 years is a long time to learn from a bad influence.

I'll just take that as a compliment.

* * *

**/Big brother Turkey and big brother Greece, sitting in a courtroom/**

...And that is why Cyprus clearly belongs to me.

Yer full'o shit.

Turkey, I will ask you to please refrain from insidious whispers until after Greece has finished his presentation.

...So ya finish yet?

Yes, you bastard. I'm finished.

Good, cause yer full of shit.

Ahem. Gentlemen, if I may have your attention please. This temporary court of the international community has heard both your claims on the island of Cyprus. We will now make our decision regarding whose custody Cyprus will be released into. Court will now recess.

Ow! Did you guys see that? Greece punched me!

I did not.

Liar!

Am not.

Infidel!

Pedophile!

Lazy ass!

Drunkard!

Cocksucker!

Pigfucker!

I couldn't agree more, yer a complete pig. What was I thinkin'?

Agh!

You fucking tossers, I'm done asking nicely! Get the bloody hell outta my courtroom!

I agree with England. I'm taking my little sister and getting far away from you.

Hell no, I'm taking Cyprus and getting the hell away from you. Just the idea of associating with a pig makes my blood curl. (8)

Actually, the court has reached its fucking decision.

...We have?

Yes, America, we have. We have decided that both Greece and Turkey are a bunch of irresponsible gits who can't take care of themselves, let alone a child nation. Therefore, this gathering of the international community hereby declares Cyprus an independent nation.

...

...

Why Angleterre, you are so 'ot when you get all authoritative like zis.

_(And then all hell broke loose)_

* * *

**/Big brother Turkey and big brother Greece, sitting outside the courtroom/**

You damn brat, you got us kicked out again.

I hate you.

Allah, you're a jerk.

No, you're the jerk.

Maybe the reason why we fight so much is cause we both have terrible tempers.

No, you're just such a jerk that you've got your own gravitational pull. And you pull people into your orbit and make them jerky like you.

...That just made no sense.

It did in my head when I was rehearsing it.

Ha! Yer such a dork.

Dork? Is that the best insult you can come up with?

No, I mean it. Yer a dork. It's kinda cute.

...How did you just go from insulting me to flirting with me?

I have no idea, but let me know if ya find out. It seems to happen a lot.

...

...

Hn. I think this is the first time we've had a companionable silence together.

Way'ta ruin it then.

...

...

...

Cough. I uh think your head's on my shoulder, Greece.

You don't watch any romantic movies at all, do you.

Wha?

Never mind, the moment's gone-Hey! What're you doing?

Didn't tell ya to stop.

I just said the moment's gone.

Yea, you say a lot of things. That's why I taught myself to tune out the sound of your voice about 100 years after ya moved in.

Sigh... Do you suppose we still get visitation rights?

What's England gonna do, man the Mediterranean ocean with warships? Nobody's gonna stop me from goin' over there if I feel like it.

Somehow, I get the vaguely uneasy feeling that you're going to do something rash someday.

Like wha?

Oh, I don't know. Invade. (9)

Hm. Maybe.

I can't believe you just admitted to wanting to molest my little sister.

I didn't say that! You just have a dirty mind.

You do realize this means I'm never going to let you visit her alone.

Why Greece, are you askin' me out?

You wish. Who wants to date you? You're egotistical, impulsive and mean.

You forgot dashingly handsome, charismatic and witty.

...

Then it's settled, it's a date. Do let me buy ya coffee in return fer all that Greek hospitality you-OW!

* * *

**/Big brother Turkey and big brother Greece, sitting on the grass/**

Yayy~! I'm so happy big brother Greece and big brother Turkey could come visit me!

It's because big brother Greece loves you. Pay no attention to the shady-looking pedophile over there, he's just tagging along.

Ey! I was gonna visit her first. Alone. Before you stalked your way in.

Do big brothers not like each other?

Only because Turkey's a jerk.

Only because Greece's a punk.

Then why are you holding hands?

Who's holding hands? His arm fell on mine. My hand was on this patch of grass first. It's mine.

For the love of Allah, Greece, stop blushing like a schoolgirl and just admit yer so into me.

Me? You're the one always making inappropriate passes at me. I hate your guts.

Ah! I gets it! So big brothers are like my mama and papa!

...

Haha! That's hilarious, kid! Where'd ya learn that?

Boss England took me to the park lots. Those other kids all had mamas and papas. He said they loves each other lots, and Mr. France says England only fights with him cause he loves him lots. So boss England and Mr. France are mama and papa, and big brothers Greece and Turkey are mama and papa too!

Uh, Cyprus, I don't think that's how-

Don't listen to 'im, kid. You can call me baba! That's how we say it in Turkey!

So big brother Greece is mama!

No-! Mghff-!

Greece doesn't know what he's talking bout, he has this disease ya see...

Oh no!

Mghff!

-called diarrhea of the mouth. That's why baba has to cover his mouth sometimes!

Mghff! Gah!

Ack! Ya bit me! Fucking brat!

You bastard! I'm not her mama!

You-you're not...?

Wait, sweetie, what I mean is...

What he means is he doesn't wanna be related to you. But it's okay, baby, cause I still love ya.

You're such a jerk, Turkey!

Yer the one breaking a little girl's heart.

...I hate you.

Love you too, sweetheart.

Yayyy~! We're a family!

This isn't exactly what I had in mind...

Ah, life is sweet indeed.

Get your arm off me, perverted old man!

Hehe are you gonna kiss?

Well we can't say no to a little girl, can we mama Greece?

You-mghff!

Haha! Mama and baba, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g~!

**/END/**

**Reviews are appreciated!**

_Background:_  
This is set around 1960, when Cyprus was released from British control and made an independent nation.  
1) During WWII, Turkey was the first country to give humanitarian aid to Greece, after the German occupation cut off the food supply and there was widespread famine.  
2) Greece's independence from the Ottoman Empire set in motion a number of other independence movements. Also, during the first Balkan war, Greece fought against Turkey to help other groups attain independence.  
3) After Turkey's loss in WWI, Greece tried to claim Turkish lands promised to it by the Triple Entente. The messiness led to the Turkish War of Independence, and the Greco-Turkish War of 1923.  
4) When Greece gained its independence, the Ottoman Empire was already weakening, and was referred to as the "sick man of Europe". During the Greco-Turkish war of 1923, the Ottoman Empire had just collapsed.  
5) Cyprus has been closer to Greece for most of recorded history, thus why most Cypriots are Greek.  
6) The symbol of Islam (crescent moon and star) are on the flag of Turkey. Muslims are forbidden to drink alcohol.  
7) Uhh type in "greek" on urban dictionary  
8) Muslims don't eat pigs because pigs are considered filthy.  
9) Turkey invaded Cyprus in 1974.

Notes:

- I apologize for making Greece seem so feminine! He can totally top Turkey in my mind.

- Cyprus is female in this fic. Just because.

- This is set before the Turkish invasion of Cyprus, because I didn't wanna make it all angsty.

- This fic is so filled with historical inaccuracies, it's not even funny. I know there wasn't an international court, etc. A lot of it was made up for the heck of it.


End file.
